December 22, 2016
To whom it may concern-
I am on the rise. This leaves my hands in good spirits. I hope it finds you in the same.
It has been an entire year since I laced up my Red Wings, dressed my poison ivy rashes with steroid ointment, covered up my braided and dirty hair with a blue bandanna, threw on a backpack full of mess, and started a dreaded day that only later (eventually) led me to a feeling of purpose.
I am more taken back to think it has been over seven years since I felt I was most resolute.
Today, I want just one solid conversation with my mom. Without a doubt, she was once my closest companion. She was my greatest reminder of my worth of unconditional love. I have been so disgruntled knowing I will not get a satiating response from her when I find myself needing it. I, once again, will have to make up my own well-informed guesses for consolation to suppress my curiosity.
That distance has created a lot of room for questions that I have only recently been dying to have answered (it’s odd; why now?). Most of the questions I would want to ask her are quite trifling; such as:
- What music do you enjoy today? Are my suggestions on par?
- Why, like you, must I feel uncomfortable in most dresses?
- Do you like Calla Lilies?
- What are your political views nowadays?
- How/why do bullies not understand they are bullies?
- How is that blackhead on your back?
- Can you help me decorate my house? Or remind me it’s ok to be awful at it?
I understand that she cannot be here to answer these. That does not minimize how frustrating it is nor how often I cycle through these types of questions.
When I started writing out questions several weeks ago, I stopped after one was randomly answered. I tried to shift my focus to sucking every ounce of possible feelings from that answered question as I could. A friend told me my mom would frequent Blockbuster and expressed her love for Under The Tuscan Sun. I giggled, watched the movie, and then felt the ache I had been repressing. Then, I tried to study my pain. Why after 7 years do I just want to crawl under this funky depression like a nappy blanket?
Establishing this Stage
It is the not so trivial questions that I want to address most. I believe I am unjustifiably subduing fears of expression embedded in them. I have developed so many of them and have finally found the time to write a lot of them down. I found the perfect fit for an unsolved link here. I could not solidify what the hell I wanted to write about for this stage, until now.
Previously, I wanted this stage to be about the debates that went on in my own mind amongst several ideologies I want or have wanted to have that are conflicting. Although, I think I am now assured with high certainty that I have many people I would not like to share this with. That trust level exceeds what I am willing to grant my acquaintances, and I will leave that for developing greater friendships in the future.
Self-Sufficiency through Practice
As embarrassing as it is to admit, self-reliance has been a difficult thing for me to come to terms with for much of my life. I revert back to codependent tendencies when I feel most unsettled with where I am in attempting to walk away from depression. I am currently discovering several new ways of looking at the inner workings of my thought processes. I think I can be grateful for many people and tools for this — the individuals who are willing to love the worst in me, the psychology and sociology classes I just finished with this semester, and articles and books I start reading on issues I resonate with on random days (laughing at my silly self-diagnoses on other days). Although, I believe it is the grave existential crisis I have struggled with this year that is creating the most room for future gains.
I can do this.
I still hear her voice.
Through the personality of the characters in Under the Tuscan Sun, in the people who remind me to watch it with her in mind, in everyone from this group therapy clip from Rent, and from several simple moments. I will ask and try to answer some of the questions I have in this stage through my current construction of independence. I am growing more appreciative and aware of the help I am given from others, and I am so damn grateful. Please know this.
The Song: Seasons of Love!!!!