May 11, 2017
Dear Darkened Rose,
There was a lot that I wanted to get across in my last letter. I realize now that I was not the most gentle in doing so. I neglected to make a few solid points.
Your love for me was unique and remains unsurpassed. Duh.
I often want to tell new, doubtful mothers to try to solely focus on the fact that they are discovering a boundless love (with pride) that will be nonpareil to their child’s life. That awareness is fundamentally the greatest foundation for being a great parent. For that alone, I believe any child should find a profound sense of indebtedness.
I was, and still am, so grateful for you and the pride you invested in me. As a 19-year-old, I was still dependent on sourcing whatever inspiration I could from you, but that was lost when I lost you. Since then, establishing my own self-fulfilled pride has been at a fake it until you make it status. The work behind the make it part has been left unattended until very recently.
“When it comes to our children, we do not have the luxury of despair. If we rise, they will rise with us every time, no matter how many times we’ve fallen before. I hope you will remember that the next time you fail…Remembering that is the most important work as parents we can possibly do.” – Cheryl Strayed
I am starting to clearly identify this time as “a new era”* of my life.
*That video is helpful up until around 3:15; If I were you, I wouldn’t continue watching it past that.
I have a big update to tell you about. I have no way of knowing how you would have responded to this news, but I hope (more than anything) that you could have found a place of confidence in your heart to be excited with and for us.
Around two years ago, I was in Wimberley and getting lonely and homesick. While Daddy was staying at his place in Georgetown one weekend, I asked him to drive down there. I did not know what he would do when he got there. I thought I could maybe have him volunteer if it was an overwhelmingly busy day or ask him to just sit and be present with me while I waded through the tiring day-to-day routines of disaster response. But I really wanted to see him. Being the loving daddy that he is, he did not hesitate to take the time to be there for me. “If [Oie] asked him to.”
He had just started dating a lady named Lisa, and he decided this would be….uh…the perfect date? He was excited to introduce her. I was excited to meet her. But I was nervous.
They showed up, and we were busy (of course). So I was quickly acquainted with her before I put them to work. She was a trooper from day one for me.
In the two years since then, she has gradually become such a caring asset to my life. The man daddy has grown to be, with her by his side, is the most peaceful expression of him that I believe I have ever known. She is someone who cares for the health, growth, and security of us as a family. She has been everything that we have needed and more. She is the embodiment of a motivated and confident woman; which sets such an inspiring example.
She shares her love and attention so gracefully. She listens, cares for, and advises me in such a respectable way. My future will forever be shaped by her, and I cannot begin to explain how wonderful and comforting that feels.
In February, he invited her and her children into our family, and they accepted.
For seven years, there was a season that I had to prep for annually. It starts with the first moment of every year that the email, flyer, or website banner shouted, “Don’t forget Mother’s Day!” I would, unfortunately, heed this irritating advice.
This year I have grown more lighthearted with knowing that this day will no longer be so daunting in the future. By the end of this month, I will have a mother—a stepmother. Ian, Bae, Bowie, and my potential future children will have a present grandmother. Someone worth every bit of Mother’s Day celebration. Our Seesa.
Know that you will still be thought of every year. I will always feel your aura. Although, it will carry less weight and dread every year.
Happy Mother’s Day to you, Momma.
As always, I love and miss you.
The Song: Strange by LP