September 28, 2015
Dear Darkened Rose,
I started making this letter the ending of a stage, because I have felt stuck here. I have been anxious with my voice in the letters thus far. These letters have grown no further than the thoughtlessness conceit of my day-to-day stories. The majority of the time I have been denying the expression of my deeper thoughts.
The plan is to transform my voice and move on from this. I plan to convey feelings of indignation through my past experiences in my next stage of letters. I will explain my route of growth through them. This was always the predominant goal—to move forward.
Today, I am going to stay in this stage. I am going to go over a few bits about my various identities of home this past year and a half.
In April of last year, Caleb adopted me as his girlfriend AND roommate. He worked and lived down south. I worked and needed to remain living down south.
I lived with my ex-boyfriend in a new luxury apartment off South 1st Street. I will explain more about him, and a few other exes in a future letter—not today. The apartment had a perfect kitchen (my ex was an aspiring chef), wood floors, and a decent sized porch. The complex had an elevator, a hotel-like pool, and a fancy restaurant. I made more money than he did, but longed for a more affordable lifestyle. He wanted to keep our luxury apartment. I insisted I would pay off the rouletting fees, and he needed to move out by the end of June. We met online, but managed to date for almost a year before ending our relationship on your birthday in 2014. It was always temporary.
When I moved in with Caleb, we were in the apartment he lived in with his ex-fiancée. It felt too close to the life they once lived together. The area it was in was great with friendly neighborhood events and dogs everywhere. I assisted with half of rent and bills, but the apartment still did not seem worth the money I was spending. It was an apartment without an individual yard for Atticus. It was always temporary.
Caleb had to make a decision in February of whether he wanted to renew his lease. He chose to work towards having a house bought by the end of 2015. To do that, we decided to bargain with Janie, Brandon, and Bae to move in with them for a few months. So Caleb, Atticus, and I (between my out of town work schedule) moved into their guest bedroom in May.
For months, my bed has changed on an average of a bi-weekly basis. In my time with the Corps, my moods have fluctuated to degrees that I am not proud of. They adjust with the weather. I’m drowning in motivation one break while I am home, then back to PMSing the next. As I have said in many ways before, I am progressing in large strides with this job. I am growing more consumed by the subjects I am passionate about. I am so consumed, that I am losing patience for damn near everything else. I have confidence in knowing things are changing and developing. The change is occurring at a rate that I cannot stop to appreciate yet.
Coming back to the Gauthier household, I am usually taking a few hours to find tranquility. Bae Rose greets me at the door and insist she be on my hip for the next half hour. Some days I find myself walking around with her while I bare this overwhelming, latent agenda. Other days, I crave smothering her with love and a dance off.
This past Thursday was Caleb’s 28th birthday. Today, he celebrated by closing on a 3-bedroom house. It’s excessive, but he feels we can utilize it well.
It has a decent-sized backyard, with a long stretch for Atti to play fetch. It will also be great for dabbling in the art of native landscaping, and exploring the use of a compost. It has a kitchen that will inspire Caleb and I to cook more often. He will make one of the bedrooms into an office for his work setup. The neighborhood advocates recycling, which adapts well to my desired low-waste lifestyle.
The initial plan was for me to move into this new home with him immediately. I suggested giving him his space and time to develop this home as his own while I deal with these fickle emotions. He has a few months to play his video games and buy weird things on Huckberry and Amazon before I nag him. I look forward to moving in with him around December when I finish my service with TxCC. In current times, I am not always calm due to lacking focus on my peaceful home routines. There will soon be plenty of room for me to sprawl out for my evolving yoga and meditation practice in December. My motivation lies elsewhere right now, and that is more than acceptable to me.
It’s time to move forward.
I love you. I miss you.
Enclosed are cool things.
The Song: Welcome Home