May 3, 2015
Dear Darkened Rose,
Last month, I took care of loads of busy (somewhat meaningless) achievements. My awareness has grown a bit acuter because of them. I am discovering renewed routes to challenges that I have either neglected or denied in the past.
I was a quitter.
Lack of foundation molds a perfect quitter. I have given up on many things that I have lost interest in. I’ve quit relationships, careers, education paths, workouts, diets, alcohol, refraining from alcohol, and smoking cigarettes (I am currently a year into this stretch of abstinence). At times, I have put action behind my infirmity with enticing situations. I have bared the guilt of a quitter. I cannot—and will not—always identify with that. I have, as it happens, evolved through this seemingly unprogressive change. Therefore, I believe I am more of an evolver than a quitter.
My relationship has boundaries that mold to how I perceive the world at the time. Caleb works with me above what I deserve. Although, honestly, I think of that last sentence conversely on occasion. There is a lot of honor and humility involved. This is beyond what I have ever imagined myself being capable of receiving (and giving) within one relationship. There is so much attainable progression for me/us that I do not perceive the expiry of it. It’s a strong wall; a foundation that I am undoubtedly proud of.
Where I am with my “job” is unique. It’s an opportunity that creates enough sustainability to revive my life. Today, it gives my life purpose.
My first hitch/spike (a trip where multiple days and nights are spent deployed for a project with my crew), we were on a project that is now a part of my personal hell. I heard, “We wanted to quit!” This added verisimilitude to what I heard weeks ago, “we’re full of quitters, here.” Although, the morning after we found ourselves overwhelmed with the lameness of the project, we woke up full of ambition, endurance, and doing our best to gain each other’s respect (or so I felt). I found an internal, “Let’s do this shit!” attitude because I think everyone in my crew had a collective, “Let’s do this shit!” attitude. So we did that shit (pulled a large amount of bastard cabbage, and did away with some other invasive plants). I missed home, Atticus, my alone time, and Caleb. I can feel my patience growing. I can see the potential for finding some bad ass time alone in beautiful places, and that’s a huge perk.
I have given up on making poor assumptions, lacking certain empathy, and giving too much attention to other people’s past that usually has very little/nothing to do with me. I have held on to people, out of a bullshit fear of being naively neglectful to assumed burned bridges. Burning bridges (or more so just letting small things of the past be…um…small things of the past) is an awesome way to reserve just enough room in my compassion bank for tending to my own life. I have compared myself to many people from many different origins in my life in ways that I can hardly even relate, and it has occasionally buried me alive in feelings of incompatibility. I’m learning to relinquish some of that tension, and billows of love have slowly flourished because of it (for now).
I went longer in my attempts at a 30-day yoga journey in April than I did the month prior but still didn’t make it much further than halfway through. I’m uniquely secure with that. I know that, currently, my physical endurance is being tested quite often during the week, and I look forward to finding the energy and motivation to start a 30-day continuum to find serenity there again.
I’m trying to learn where my boundaries lie with alcohol. It makes for some ugly heightened emotions sometimes, and my awareness/intelligence diminished. It’s a craved detachment that I have not fully gained control over yet. I don’t drink every day, and I may even have a week or more go by without any alcohol (rarely). With that said, my relationship with alcohol is something I still intend to find a healthy growth with. Clear thoughts (free of alcohol) help me find paths for education and my own somatic understanding, and I tend to lose sight of that when in the mix of enjoying other people’s company.
Being an addict is not a part of my future. I only gained this awareness because of you. I’m very hurt, but grateful. I do, however, need to learn a good understanding of when drinking can be appreciated the most to avoid frivolously indulging.
Sorry I didn’t write you in April. Maybe I’ll write you twice this month. Mother’s day is coming up, so you probably deserve two letters. To be honest, I hate the day so much–but I’ll let you reap the benefits.
I love you. I miss you.
Enclosed are cool things.
The Song: Society