January 20, 2015
Dear Darkened Rose,
Holidays drive me insane! As you know, I am never fully ready for them gift-wise, but this last December even my plans were pretty tentative until the last-minute. I grew to be a bit frustrated with myself, but it was a great time to gain this newly nurtured faculty of self-awareness.
At this point, I’ve discovered this sort of catch 22; I feel you could learn a lot from this step closer that I’ve grown to being peaceful today, but I’m not sure if I have gained this clarity due to your absence.
Now, I obviously haven’t honed this sense of self-awareness completely (nor may I ever). However, I think you’d be proud of the huge progression I’ve made in the past year and a half or so. I want to eventually address your addictions head on through these, but I’ll save the larger turmoil for a later date; please be ready.
Your two other babies, who sometimes think alike, used the same word to question my motives with these letters–cathartic?
Maybe so, but I also have this ambition to discuss things that could possibly influence you to perceive mental health differently. To normalize it. To have phrases like, “my therapist suggests that I…” or “…I truly am working on that right now with my therapist,” be followed with less giggling and satire, and more esteem.
I feel I owe a large amount of credit in my assisted progress to the LPC that I see. Her name is Elaine. She is my therapist, my teacher, my artistic inspiration, and a guide to the greatest examples of CBT (as well as other mental health tools) that I know exist. I’m now on depression medication, but am hopeful and have a pretty good end in sight for that. I have grown to strongly believe that there is a beautiful regrowth that could happen for even the worst of cynics. If people would just let go of whatever stigma of psychology they bury themselves with to avoid getting help. I think it’s something you’ve always struggled with, also.
You whine a lot, and to the wrong people. People who feed you more pain pills, drinks, and sarcastic and cynical statements. People who might introduce you to another partner who will “accept you for who you are,” but will further enable you, and steer you away from a path of growth.
I quit school after 3 years of working towards that BA degree in Psychology, with little reasoning. I may write more in detail about this at a later day. I moved out to Austin again, and tried attending the new Aveda Institute out here. I dropped out of that half-way through, also. Yes, I’m a “Beauty School Dropout.” It was such a horrific experience for me with the disgusting amount of general anxiety I had at the time. Some of the people within the industry (classmates, instructors, and others) were difficult to interact with …see you next Tuesdays, if you will. They were people who didn’t understand how emotional I could get about Amy Winehouse’s death and why (I managed to spend about 45 minutes in a bathroom struggling to dry up my face). While it may have appeared odd, I felt like I (more than ever) just needed that space and time alone. I knew that, but other people did not.
I moved on to find a job at a big ugly bank, which didn’t end as lovely as I’d have liked either. A coworker stole a large sum of money, and we (me and others that I worked with) were found to have unintentionally neglected the case. We were found to be with “partial fault” and let go. Which is somewhat embarrassing at times, but that’s just life isn’t it?
I now work as a receptionist for a small company and am in a positive direction with a great career path. I’m not sure what may be in store for the future, but I’m certainly more optimistic than I have been in a while.
I have tried to grow more passionate and to find a healthy admiration for a few things. I have learned to love my plants (each specially named and loved equally). I have learned to love my past, present, and future travels. I have learned to love taking long walks in the mornings or afternoons, and occasionally even a hike at one of the hundreds of neature parks out here. I’m learning to build a foundation for what my personality will grow on. Finally.
I love you. I miss you.
Enclosed are cool things.
Prepare for some of my selfies. All of which are obnoxious, but empowering to me at the same time.
The Song: The Story